He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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