I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
