Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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