You just made me feel so damn special
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
