last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
