We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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