At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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