I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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