I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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