Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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