Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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