I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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