You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
