exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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