I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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