I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I FOUND THE LEGS
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The power of my boobs compel you
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
