I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just want to make out with him forever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
