I wish my penis had an off switch
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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