my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
