Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
