im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
