Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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