You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
