This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
