He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
