Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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