Betty ford says i'm here all night
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
