ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
