its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
