Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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