I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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