cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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