there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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