I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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