i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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