Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
