i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So much rum. So many feels.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
