I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
