Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
