i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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