Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
