i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
