Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
