I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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