Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
