Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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