I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
