Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
