I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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