Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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