i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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